September 15, 2002 - 8:19 a.m.

I love my husband. My husband loves me. I love my husband.My husband loves me.

Okay. I'll admit it. To you, my dear, sweet diary friends. I woke up a little early this morning and read the letter S got from the other girl. (don't know how to link it, just hit the previous button and it's 3 or 4 entries back)

And you thought I got over it. Think again. I'm a psycho wierdo who can hardly believe that S is telling non-best friends and non-family members about our marriage problems. She is a friend, but not close enough to be telling such personal things with! I only told my sister, my pastor and 3 of my closest friends! (you guys too, but this is my diary, where else am I going to document my crazy life?)

She really didn't write anything of great interest though. Just how boot camp was and how she can't write to any of her other friends because they would all tell her that she shouldn't have joined the Army. And about how hard pt is, and everyone expects more out of her because she's got and college degree and going to OCS right after boot camp. But then she asked "Are things between you and C better? Write me back and tell me everything!"

I don't know if I'm explaining this correctly. Hubby was never really that good of friends with her after they broke up. Because #1 it was a yucky break up and #2 she moved to the other side of the country over the summer after S and I started dating. At least that's what I assumed. Now, I'm reading that he told her our problems. I wonder if he's thinking (maybe she is too?) if him and her wouldn't have the problems like we do if THEY had stayed together?

Maybe I'm just reading too much into this? Maybe we've been apart for so long that I'm just getting paranoid over nothing?

I even had a dream last night that he was checking out a different girl from high school. Drove me crazy, I wanted to pull his eyes out so he couldn't see.

I geuss I'm just. .. I don't know. I know a little bit of jealousy is probably healthy. But, truth to tell, I'm not quite sure if S truly loves me. He says he does and lately, his actions have told me he does. But things aren't the same. I know they probably won't be and we've got to grow together again. It'd be nice if I was sure in my heart that he really does love ME and isn't just saying that because he doesn't want to be the first among his immediate family to get a divorce. I was doing better untill that letter came and now all doubt seems to be up again. Questions are coming up in my head, "is he thinking about what could have been? would he ever. .. ?"

Maybe I'm just paranoid? Sometimes, I wish we would have waited to get married. I was 18, he was 19. I was just out of high school. Now I'm 23 and he's 24 and we'll be celebrating our 5th anniversary in almost two weeks. He didn't even remember when we were planning our grocery list and menus. He just looked at Sept. 27 and said "we can go over to my parents house for dinner, that's one less meal for us to cook"

I just wish I could be more confident in his intentions and in mine. If I trusted him, I wouldn't have snuck a read of that letter. It didn't have much value, but I do know she could have written to someone else. S wrote her back and mailed it Friday. And both those things bother me, I can't tell S though without looking like a crazed wife with no life. Do you think I'm crazy?

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