September 30, 2002 - 1:57 p.m.

I am so tired of writing about this and thinking about it. It's like I've become obsesive about this. I wrote a letter. Yes, readers of this diary, (good thing I personally don't know 99% of you huh?)I wrote a letter. To my husband. I wasn't going to give it to him and actually intended it to be a part of a paper journal I write but this morning I decided to just give it to him and be done with it. It was more or less what I wrote last time but with more specifics of what I wanted to happen with H and how it bothered me and why. Things like that. And that was it.

I know that letter just put the ball in his court but I still have a play in the game. Seeing as I'm his wife, I have a major role or something but it's his ball and wherever he goes with it I'm following. And today I was reading my Bible and I figured out that I can't really be responsible for what S does or how he feels. I need to let this situation play itself out, be the best wife possible and God'll do His thing. And I also have to remember that whole free will thing God threw in. It's hard and all that stuff.

Anyhow. I came home later then usual because I wanted to make sure he was home and read the letter before I got home. I don't know what he thinks or feels about what I wrote, but I laid it all out for him and if he wants to talk about it some more, I'm all for it. But if he doesn't, that's fine too. I knew when I gave him the letter that it was my final thoughts and feelings on the subject. And. . . .. . yea. What else am I going to say? I would like to discuss what he feels about what I wrote, but he doesn't share that with me. And that is what hurts me the most. Anyhow, I'm leaving it at that.

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