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Pre-Pregnancy weight: 195 lbs.

Current Weight at end of pregnancy: 202 lbs.

October 06, 2002 - 10:08 p.m.

You're right. Life is hard. If I knew that life was this hard, I would have asked God to keep me where He is. What is the meaning of all that goes on? Is there an end to the madness?

I wonder what life would have been like had I not gotten married at 18. Would it have been easier? Would I be the same person now? Probably not. But I don't regret getting married at 18. I do acknowledge the fact that maybe I didn't know exactly what I was getting into, but I don't regret it. I've come to that point in my life where I don't regret any decision I make or have made in the past.

Life is too short and with so many possibilities. I wanted to take life by storm. And I still do. But now, I want S by my side and I'm not going to let him go without a fight. I love him. I need him. I want to need him. Without him, I am nothing but a woman. With him, my world is complete. Life is as it should be.

And I've come to a hard decision. I am willing to not have kids. Not discounting my desire to become a mother. I know in my heart that S does not want to have children. And I'm willing to sacrifice that if it means saving my marriage. I will always be envious of those who are parents.

I'm sure there are other ways of filling that desire.

UPDATE: S brought up children last night for a brief moment. So maybe there is hope. . .. . ?

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