December 12, 2002 - 11:45 a.m.

Oh dear God. All I want to do is crawl into bed and cry myself back to sleep. And yet the sun is still shining through the curtains when it should be raining, the cat keeps meowing for attention and the dishes are still dirty in the sink. S keeps telling me it's going to be okay but I know deep in my heart that there's a possiblity it isn't.

Is God never going to let us be parents? What have I done to warrant this kind of pain a second time around? Why didn't the person doing the ultrasound say that she didn't think the baby was okay? Why did she say everything was normal for the size of my baby? According to the ultrasound she said my baby was about 5 1/2 weeks instead of the projected 7 weeks from my last period. Well. According to my research, a baby's heart should be developed by the begining of the 6th week. Does that mean that at 5 1/2 gestation that my baby's heart should be beating? Or maybe circulating blood?

Who knows? All I know is that I'm hurt inside. Down to my very being.

It's as though someone came and ripped out my heart and decided to have it for dinner right in front of me.

I went in yesterday for a blood test to see if my HcG hormone is going down. A sure sign that I'm not pregnant anymore. They won't get the test results back for about 4 days. So we're looking at Monday/Teusday before I know anything. S is being strong. I, on the other hand, am loosing it. I know I'm usually the optimistic one, but not now. I don't think I can handle another baby lost. I don't want to handle it.

I had better relax. If God has kept my baby alive in me, I better relax and chill out. I really don't know what the blood test will reveal. For now, I'll hope for the best, but expect the worst. It's the only way for me to go on.

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