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Pre-Pregnancy weight: 195 lbs.

Current Weight at end of pregnancy: 202 lbs.

March 30, 2003 - 8:59 a.m.

I had the most horrible dream last night. I dreamt my husband told me he wanted to leave me, I was 6 month preggo. Then I was in church sitting next to someone I knew but I didn't know her name and I ended up going to the bathroom and crying in the middle stall. (I don't know why the middle one or why I remember which stall I used) And then I was driving our Neon all the way to my dad's house in NE, I almost drove into my sister and her friend. Then I got out and set up my cat's litter box and food down in the basement because my dad's dog would eat Nabi for a snack and as I walked back to the car to get my suitcase I realize I'm only wearing a pair of pants, I'm not wearing a shirt or a bra and my breasts are just bouncing around as I walk back to the car. So, I put on a shirt and go talk to my sister and her friend, they had just come back from the gym. My sister was talking about having to wear Depends to the gym under her bathing suit so she wouldn't have to worry about peeing and making the water gross. (How disgusting, I know, but it's my dream remember?) I wanted to tell her the Hubby left me but her friend kept hanging around and then I was thinking how I was going to finish college, have a job so I could make a car payment and take care of my kid. I just didn't know!

Anyhow, I woke with this feeling of dread even though I know my husband isn't going to leave me. And besides the fact that he and I just had a discussion about our relationship and we are both content with the way things are.

I suppose the dream steams from my fear that one day hubby won't be here with me. That I'll be alone to fend for a child and for myself, and I won't be prepared with the proper education to have a decent paying job with benefits. I don't know where this fear comes from, this fear of abandonment. But it's very real and somehow feels more poignant (sp?) now that I'm pregnant.

I need to go and take a shower or I'll be late for church.

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