April 28, 2003 - 6:21 p.m.

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed..............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....-1

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-2

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............+5

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the rain...................................................+8

but return with beer..........................................-1

and no panty liners...........................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....................+1

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat.................................................-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party.........................0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a school

drinking buddy..............................................-2

Named Tiffany................................................-5

Tiffany is a dancer..........................................-10

With breast implants.........................................-20

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday...................................+1

You buy a card and flowers..................................+2

You take her out to dinner..................................+5

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar........+10

Okay, it is a sports bar....................................-10

And it's all-you-can-eat night...........................-20

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is

painted the colors of your favorite team........................-30

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal....................................... 0

The pal is happily married.......................... +1

The pal is single...................................-10

He drives a Ferrari.................................-20

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-30

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...................................+2

You take her to a movie she likes.........................+5

You take her to a movie you hate..........................+8

You take her to a movie you like..........................-5

It's called Death Cop III.................................-10

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....................-20

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-30

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly............................-5

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..........................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...............-100

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding......................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt"..........-100

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned _expression....................+1

You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

You have fallen asleep.........................................-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......

You talk.........................................-100

You don't talk...................................-100

You spend time with her..........................-100

You don't spend time with her....................-100

You are seen enjoying yourself...................-100

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