August 11, 2003 - 7:13 a.m.

I am so sad. My house is lonely. My day yesterday was filled with lonliness. And today doesn't look any better, especially with S having duty today. I was so tired I didn't even hear him get up to leave so I won't get to see him at all till tommorrow. I wish my mom was here so I wouldn't be by myself. Not that I mind being by myself but this is my mom I'm talking about. I hadn't seen my mom in 6 years and now she's back in Korea and I don't know when I'll be able to see her again. My sister got enough frequent flyer miles that she "earned" a free ticket to Korea so I'm seriously thinking of asking her if I could use it to see my mom next summer. Greenbean will be free until she's 2 so we'll be good to go there since she'll only be one next summer. And besides, I haven't seen my family in Korea in 7 years. It's about time I make a visit. I don't know if S will want me to go or if he'll want to go too. We don't really have enough money for a ticket. At least not until he gets commissioned. I'll run it by him and see how it goes. I still have a year anyhow.

Ever since my mom left nothing in my house looks good to eat. It's good food and I like it all but I just don't feel like eating it. And I don't want to eat by myself. My friend was over yesterday so I ate lunch. Then I went over to his parents house last night so I ate an eggroll and a piece of cake for dinner. This morning I forced myself to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast. I'm still hungry but I don't want to eat anything. My mom left me with a bunch of Korean left overs. It's all yummy stuff but I just get sad looking at it and can't bring myself to pull it out to eat.

I just want my mom close to me. I miss her so much. Why do we have to live so far apart?!?!! WHY?!

My sister graduates from college next December (in 2004) and told my mom not to come. But my mom told me she really wants to come and see her graduate. I told my mom to come anyways. And I also told her that she could come see me and we'd fly up there together (with Greenbean as well of course). We'd have to stay with my sister though because it'd be too wierd to have my mom stay at my dad's house with his new wife.

Speaking of my Greenbean. She turned one month old on Saturday. And her umbilical cord finally fell off that day too. Her belly button is so cute! My mom and I were so excited. And then we couldn't find where it was. I thought it fell off into her diaper but it wasn't there. Then I went to change the sheets on the bed and there it was. It's all gross looking and stuff so I threw it away. I love looking at her cute little belly button. My mom showed me how to give Greenbean a bath. That was good for me because I had no idea how I was going to do it with her head still flopping around and without making her cold.

I need to go though. I should call my mom to see if she got home alright.

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