June 16, 2004 - 1:27 p.m.

I am so tired. Greenbean had a bad night last night. I fed her something yesterday and it totally upset her tummy. I should have seen it coming since the SAME food upset her stomach the day before. DUH. I hope the new food didn't do too much damage to my poor girly girl. I'll have to wait a few more months before reintroducing it to see if she is really allergic to it.

As far as this new pregnancy is going. Physically I'm doing just fine. Not as much quesiness as last time. And not as tired, although I'm still REALLY tired. Mentally though, reality hasn't sunk in yet. I'm still shocked. Almost as though I don't really want this to be happening. You know? I feel like such a horrible person because I'm not as excited as some of the people I've told. Don't they understand I'll have two babies under the age of 2? Granted people have and are raising children close to the same age but not me!! In my head my mind is screaming "What in the world are you doing?!" And my heart is asking how can I love another child as much as I love Greenbean? Is it possible to hold that much love? Will I be a good mommy to two children? I feel like such a dunce anyways when it comes to raising children that I often wonder if I am doing a "good" job according to society's standards.

I'm doing the best I can and I wish I could do so much more for Greenbean. I want to give her a good life. I want to give both my children a good life. And I worry so much that I won't. That I'll fail. That somehow I'll be similar to my mother in certain ways that I don't want to be. (Not saying my mother didn't do a good job but she's got some major issues and it took me till my teens to realize this) I just want so much for my children.

I geuss I'm really worried about raising two now instead of just one. Learning to raise Greenbean has been such a joy and a learning process. I just hope we, Schuyler and I, will learn to work together better as parents too.

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