April 28, 2005 - 3:34 p.m.

I was talking to my friend, Karyl, the other day about how our children entered into the world. I had to have 2 c-sections, she was lucky and did not have to have surgery. And I told her I have issues surrounding the birth of my oldest daughter. Well, maybe not issues, just sad feelings. I wish I was more educated on how my body worked and how much it can actually do. My second daughter, although born by cesarean after an attempted vbac, I am not too sad about since I knew exactly what I was getting into and knew my risks.
With both births, I really am upset that I was not able to see either born. And it makes me want to cry every time I say it or write it. And I didn't get to see them for 4 hours after they were born and those are hours I can never bring back. I never saw them before they got cleaned up, i didn't get to hear them cry for the first time, someone else did.
I'm grateful for my healthy girls but it's not about that. It's about the fact that for some reason, my body can not do what it's supposed to do. I don't know. I somehow wish I could go back in time to the time I was pregnant with Moira and hired a doula. But alas, I can't.
The next time we get pregnant, I do plan on trying for a vaginal birth again. And yes, I have started to do a little research on it and the chance of me rupturing after 2 c-sections are just half a percentage higher than if I only had one. So, when we do get pregnant again, hopefully when Eliza is 2 yrs old or older, I hope to not run into as much difficulty finding support for my decision.
Well, that's my stuff, all laid out there. And I'll probably bring it up again and again for a long time so hope you like reading it!

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