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Pre-Pregnancy weight: 195 lbs.

Current Weight at end of pregnancy: 202 lbs.

June 24, 2005 - 9:39 p.m.

I know you are probably tired of hearing about Schuyler and I and our problems. But I can not help but come here to relieve the stress of my life because I fear my friends are probably tired of hearing me talk about it.
All I really want to do is cry and cry. I get mad at Schuyler for not caring about me. I then proceed to get mad at myself because I should be "letting him have his space." Even though he should be grown up by now at age 27 to know that marriage isn't something to just toss because you "think" you don't love someone like you used to. I just want to scream at him "Love changes as you grow older!!" It's not always going to be the same and it changes everytime you add a child into the family. New dynamics, new everything.
Yea, I know I have my faults. You want to hear them? Sure you do. I know you're thinking "surely the problems in the marriage are not all Schuylers fault." Granted, I wish they were and most are probably his now that I've asked for forgivness of my wrong doings. Anyhow, I digress. My faults in the marriage include: not cleaning very well (ask anyone, I'm horrible at housecleaning), I haven't shown him respect and I haven't really been the companion he wants. Those are the main ones. And we were going to hire a maid to come in every two weeks to do the major cleaning, say in the bathrooms and such. No big deal. Which brings us to the whole respect & companion thing. I explained to him that one can not expect to be treated with respect when he doesn't treat his own wife with the same respect he wants. Of course he retorts back "I respect you deeply as the mother of my children." And what the hell kind of response is that?
Ugh. It's a vicious cycle and he just really aggravates the rice out of me.
Am I being selfish in wishing he would care at least one ounce on how my day went today? Am I? Am I wrong to defend him when family ask if he has someone else on the side? Why have I been so blind that I didn't see this coming from a mile away? Really, truly, am I just one horrible person that the man I love does not want me? That he should find me so detestable, so foul that he doesn't even want to touch me on the hand but can kiss the children we created together?
Oh how I wish this nightmare of my life would end right this instance. I pray so hard everyday that he would just do something important that doesn't include pushing me away.
I should go. I really need some sleep and to read some to calm my already ravaged nerves. And thanks for listening.

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