September 29, 2002 - 9:00 a.m.

Okay. I asked him to stop communication with H. That it makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel like I'm competing for his attention and love. That until I know in my gut that I can trust him not to "grow" feelings for her then maybe WE can be friends with her. Maybe when she herself is married, she can call the house.

I know that's a lot to ask. But I don't ask for much anyhow. He tells me H has become a good friend. And yes, that is important, but it didn't happen till AFTER HE started initial contact to apologize for actions he did. Good. But it should have stopped there. And it didn't. So, now his argument is that it would be wrong to cut ties with her now after all the help she has given him. Well, I would do it for S if he asked me too. But seeing as I have no male friends, it wouldn't be hard wouldn't it? (At least no guys I would go to with personal problems anyway, all guys I met aren't really friends anyways)

Anywho. He doesn't want to end the friendship, no matter how unhappy in our relationship it makes me feel.

My theory is that you can't share feelings and personal problems with someone of the opposite sex without eventually becoming emotionally involved and wondering if it was more. And that's what scares me. There is a reason why all my good best friends are FEMALE. And that I only have a handful of good friends anyhow. I know that if I went to a guy and started sharing my most secret and personal problems that I would eventually start to wonder if I liked him on a more intimate level. And I believe it goes the same way for men. Think of how marriages start, by talking and sharing personal things.

And that's why I want him to not be friends with her. Not discounting the fact that she is a very wonderful person because she is. She is nice and friendly and smart. But I'm not worried about her. I'm worried about him becoming too close to her friendship wise and start thinking her in a more serious way. He tells me he won't, but that does not reassure me. If he were to ever break it completly off with her, would I feel better? Probably. But I'm not asking for him not to NEVER communicate with her, just not so much on a personal level. Send a Christmas card and say "hey, doing great, how you doing? nothing much going on here" type of stuff. And do remember that she is an ex girlfriend. How do I factor in all this?

And so. Now my dilemma is what am I going to do now that I know he won't do anything to help me become a more happy wife. I told him that if he has to be friends with her that shares such intimate details of his personal life, then I have be friends with her, I have to like her enough. He tells me that I don't have like all his friends, that may be true, but for him to be friends with H, I have to like her and be friends with her. For there isn't anything I can do exept hope that he doesn't develope feelings of intimacy with her that he does with me. He can reassure me all he wants to that he loves me and that he wants to stay with me forever but it doesn't make his friendship with her any better for me to handle. And for once, I want to be the one that has a request that is hard and seemingly unreasonable.

I don't know if I can handle this.I think this may be my breaking point. It may sound childish and silly. But it isn't. After all I've been through, this doesn't seem silly to me. Him and I have been through so much and I don't think I can handle any more. I don't want to handle anymore. I want him to have the same intimate conversations he has with her. I want him to have them with ME.

Yes, it's all about me. For once, I want something in this marriage my way and on my terms. I'm selfish when it comes to this and it seems I am the only one.

previous - next