July 21, 2004 - 11:40 a.m.

You know what? I'm tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of stressing over the VBAC thing. Tired of being pregnant. (Even though I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow, I can't believe I have another 27 weeks to go) Just tired.

I've decided that I'll just leave this whole vbac thing alone for a bit. God knows what's going on. I can't be stressing like this. It isn't good for me, my husband, Greenbean or this new baby. I just need to relax, let go and let God. Isn't that what he wants anyhow? I'll probably end up going into labor on my own. Whether or not I'll have the vaginal birth I want is another story. And that's what's stressing me out and it's 6 months away!So maybe I just need to let it go. God will find a way for me to have the delivery that I feel good about with no guilty feelings or feelings of failure. As a friend told me, the baby doesn't even care how s/he is brought into this world. It's my job to keep healthy and bring a healthy baby here. Still, though. Thoughts linger. Tears threaten.

Maybe there are unresolved feelings with Greenbean's birth. I don't know. I feel horrible that I refused the epidural and had to be put to sleep for my c-section. I couldn't even touch, see or hold her till almost 4 hours later. I had to wait almost 30 min after I woke up to hold her and see her for the first time. My husband wasn't there to experience this joy with me and the nurses were so non-chalant about it. When I first saw my daughter, I started crying because she was MINE. She came out of MY body. After 9 months of wondering what she looked like, I finally met her outside of my womb. And the nurses were like "so you gonna breastfeed now because she hasn't had anything to eat yet" I told them she can wait while I count her toes and give her a once over.

Anyhow. I should go.

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